This September, Jude will become a BIG BROTHER!
Archive for January, 2015
“No one ever told me that grief feels like fear.”
This year has been among the hardest of my life. That defining moment being the loss of my grandmother. She was my best friend, my confidant, my comforter, my heart beat, my soul sister.
On March 8, 2014 I sat in the airport terminal waiting to board a plane to Colorado. I had left Michael, Jude & work to spend some time taking care of the woman who had spent her life taking care of others, for me.
Moments before I stepped onto the plane she took her last breathes and made her way to Glory. I sat balled up against the airplane window, silently sobbing. The flight from Georgia to Colorado seemed never ending. I had never felt such pain, such grief. I felt as if someone had ripped my heart straight out of my chest. I had never felt such FEAR.
And soon I would have to look into my Grandpa’s eyes…
Gram had been sick for years, cancer. I knew I would lose her someday, but it seemed “someday” was somewhere far off in a dream. My husband feared this would be that moment in my life that I might not recover from.
A few days before she passed, I received a phone call at 4 am. Before the sun rose I sat in my car listening:
“Candice, I am scared…they keep telling me I am dying.”
I reassured her frail soul that we must trust God’s plan, that only he knows the time and place. I could do nothing more but to sing her to sleep…
I see the cloud, I step in
I want to see Your glory as Moses did
Flashes of light and rolls of thunder
I’m not afraid
I’m not afraid
Show me your GLORY.
As I hung up the phone, I knew I was hearing on of the last few “I Love Yous.” It sat heavy that morning. As the sun rose I felt a sense of peace. For the first time, I longed for her to be free.
Since that hard day in March, anxiety and panic attacks have been the normal. 2014 has been spent trying my best to focus on trusting HIM. I have had to find a new normal, which is not bad, but definitely different.
Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. John 14:27
The ups and downs of this year have left me weary, I am ready for a new start! I have found a wonderful mentor, slowed down at work and mostly I am learning to share those millions of memories and lessons learned from my best friend.
Everything reminds me of her, everything… when I bake a cake, when the leaves turn colors, when I just feel like dancing barefoot in my living room, when I drink Coke, when I eat from a beautiful dish, sunrise, sunset, she is there.
I like it that way.
I look forward to 2015, I walk unafraid into the NEW.